so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
