I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
