I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
