I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
