Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
