id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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