How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
