Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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