just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
