3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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