Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
smell my finger.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
