I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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