trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
