My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
