i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
