singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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