So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
