Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
