i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
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So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
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HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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