Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
