I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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