we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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