Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
