did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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