What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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