My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
