The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Shame - the story of my life.
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