The maid of honor just puked.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
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He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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