Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
