Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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