relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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