do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
