rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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