Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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