Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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