I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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