So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
