I need to stop coming to work sober
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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