i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
