Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
