i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
