I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
