How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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