i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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