I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
