12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
