i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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