I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
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Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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