I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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