Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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