hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How drunk are you?