I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
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just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
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I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that