I am spending my child support on dildos
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
