I puked a lego.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
