I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
