I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
