The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
