I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
false alarm. still invincible.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
