.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
