drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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