It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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